Today I bring you this article to talk about something that is essential. It’s weird how parents are not aware of the profound influence that we exercise over our children. Life goes its course and also does the childhood of our beloved little ones. But we are unable to stop and think about how we are helping or slowing down their life.
We become obsessed and try them to go to the best schools, to reach the best grades, to brush their teeth twice or more a day, to properly wave at relatives and neighbors… But we forget the most important point: how we treat them.
I would like you to think about the way you speak to/treat your children and if you think you are fair to them. We all have bad days sometimes; I know that. But, in fact, every day is not bad, and it seems like we act with good manners with everyone except with our children.
They frequently tell you things like:
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“Look, mom, look what I’ve just done, mom, you like it?” And your answer is: “Whaaaaaaaaaat?? Can’t you see I’m busy now and cannot look? Shut up already!”
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“Daddy, you know, John, my classmate, has picked on me” You answer: “And what did he say?” “He said I’m a dumb because I still cannot ride a bike,” And the wisest respond you can produce is: “That’s entirely true. When I was your age, I could perfectly ride bikes. John is right.”
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“Daddy, what’s for dinner tonight?” Your answer: “Whatever I want, we are not going to cook a special meal just for you.”
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“Mom, Mary just grabbed my favorite car.” And you say distracted: “Goodness me! What on earth was I thinking about when I decided to have two??”
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“Dad, I want a tablet for Christmas!” And your answer: “A tablet? But you never obey to what I say… Coal, that’s what Santa will bring you this year!”
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“Mommy, can I join swimming classes with my friend Julia?” And you just say: “Do you think I’m the Bank of America? Focus your efforts on getting good grades, or you will become a nobody.”
I could give you a never-ending list of similar examples. Do you honestly think that this is fair to children? This kind of answers is so socially accepted that they are far more widespread than a coherent, healthy and calm conversation between parents and children. There are even people that take it as a joke and say that children are at the bottom of the pack (although, in fact, they are the first and most important).
We all should consider the fact that those parents are somehow “captured” by a significant lack of personality in their lives:
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Some of them share their lives with couples that do not fill them but are unable to express that they are not happy beside them.
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They hang their head at work when a colleague jokes about them.
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They can’t get up the nerve to tell their mother in law that thing that bothered them so much.
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They still have the same socially accepted behaviors of their friends, although they don’t feel comfortable acting that way.
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They hate their jobs but don’t find the courage to overcome the fear before changes.
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Etc.
And, in the end, children are the ones who pick up the pieces of every inner emotion that parents aren’t able to manage correctly. They don’t even realize that they “pour” all frustrations over their kids. The biggest problem is that they see themselves superior, that they have some power over their children, that they can do and undo as they please (things that cannot do with other people): this is the big mistake.
We should wake up, think about and come down to Earth. We can be losing the time of our lives:
The chance to educate, accompany and guide the person that you love the most, the one that needs you above all, and get a happy, free, responsible and coherent life.
A life which is free of imposed fears. You will help them to enjoy a life where they build their personality and are assertive. Where they know how to have a conversation. Where they are both respectful and respected. Where they fulfill their dreams and overcome challenges. Where they can learn through adversities. Where they can enjoy every moment of life. Where they trust but know when to be suspicious. Where they value things and people. Where they find motivation for the present and the future. Where they take personal decisions without being influenced; and so on.
Do not waste the great chance you have and don’t pour your needs into your children, because you will be, somehow, filling them with the same lacks.
Don’t let people deceive you: what children need most is love, respect, understanding, and accompaniment.
Just ignore when people say that with love children become violent or unbowed. Because the only truth is that love generates love, violence generates violence, a lack of respect generates a lack of respect, tyranny generates tyranny…
So:
1- Measure your words: think before speaking. Before you can say something of which you can later regret, think about it. Manage your rage, your emotions, and be aware that the ones in front of you are your children, not your enemies.
2- Work on your needs: if you know that you have things that you need to improve or change, just do it. If your past and your childhood don’t let you go forward, get on with it! Read, research, reflect, look for help, go forward, overcome. You will experience a great change.
3- Don’t think yourselves to be superior to them. You are their guide, not their “owner”: you should have this point extremely clear. Until then, it will be impossible that you treat your kids as equals, as the individuals they are. Because they are so, they are growing and developing human beings, not puppets.
4- Think about the kind of life you want beside your children. It’s as easy as considering what things you want for your life and your kids’ life: to have an oppressive and stressful life, making a mountain out of a molehill; or to have a full and happy life, with both ups and downs, but meaningful. And being aware that you are working your heart out to offer your children all the best (emotionally speaking).
5- Go ahead! Go for it! Change is in your hands, in nobody else’s. Never quit, never give up, don’t look the other way. Make the most of this opportunity. It only happens once in your children’s life!
I know that it may not always be easy and sometimes tiredness, stress, and day-to-day issues will get you away from your goal. But don’t worry if you feel guilty, just get up for a new day willing to do it better, really wishing to be happy with your children.
You can do it, I trust!!
Many thanks for reading,
Parent & Teacher Educator, Author, Expert in Respectful Education & Founder of Edurespect School
